Three Years

It's been three years. Three years since I started to to take one of the biggest steps when it comes to being a grown up.  When it comes to taking real responsibility. I'm sitting here today, full of fear and on the edge of losing faith, asking myself, "Is this all I can do?"

Three long years yet I'm still here and I am not even sure if I wanted to be here.

For a good friend

I had a conversation with a friend whom I have caused so much pain way back in college.

And today, I realize that people move on and heal in their own time. No matter how short or long it may take. That you can't force them to be okay immediately. You can't tell them the steps to move on. You can't tell what needs to be done. Because we heal in our own ways. Our own hearts are the ones who will decide if we are bound to be okay again.

My heart wishes him well. And that's the basic thing you could hope for a friend. :)

Fast-paced

"Am I not good enough?" Question that has been hunting me for quite some time now.

Ever felt like losing faith on everything that you once strongly believed in? Like you're trying to gain back the faith you once had in life and in yourself but you just don't know how and where to find it.

You're trying to love life a bit more but it keeps on showering you with so many disappointments that you can't stand tall and give a good fight anymore.

You want to be someone in this big crazy world but you can't seem to take a leap of faith because you're scared and coward and you just don't know what's supposed to happen next.

Everyone's moving on a fast-paced. And it scares me. It scares me deep within because I'm being left behind and I'm being surrounded by millions of people who all have definite plans toward their dreams. And if you would ask, yes, I truly am scared.

How I was Raised

At 21, I've seen so many broken relationships. I've seen people shed so many tears. I've seen people who have been destroyed by love. And sometimes I get scared. Witnessing these hardened me to not fall in love. Hardened me to be wiser in love. But in the end, I realize I will always go back to how I was raised, and that is to know that love is always awe-inspiring. Whether it's full or broken or shattered, it's still love and it will always have a memory of being wonderful.

Breathe in, Breathe out

Surpassing all troubles in life made me believe that I was strong. Strong enough to move forward, forget yesterday and just look forward to tomorrow. But sometimes, when life gets really difficult to deal with, and it leaves you with no choice, all you can really do is sit down, calm yourself and your heart, hold back tears, listen to good music, close eyes, breathe in and breathe out, and hope that you could be stronger, just a little more.

13 years ago

13 years ago, my parents chose to let go of the love that once bonded the both of them. At a very young age, I understood infidelity.  But I had to believe that the love they once shared was true. It was just lost somewhere. I was a kid and yet, I had a different version of the word "pain". 13 years ago, I lost my reason to get out of bed everyday.

It has been 13 years and today, the person who ruined my "home", the person who broke the solid foundation of my mom and dad's love, the person who stole my chance of having a complete family, the person who caused me so much pain -- decided to talk to me. And yet, not even a single "I'm sorry." 

But today, I am letting go because I know that even though some families aren't together under a single roof, the pureness of love from our parents can always fight storms and will forever reign. 

Hello, 2013!

Today I welcome 2013 with a happy and hopeful heart and a renewed soul. I had broken dreams and failed resolutions last year but it's never too late to turn them into reality. Never too late to travel the world. Never too late to showcase what I'm capable of doing. Never too late to forgive and forget. Most especially, never too late to hope for a better tomorrow.

Today, I am bidding farewell of everything that burdens me. I choose to be happy for friends who clinch not to keep in touch. I choose to stop complaining about work as I'm being paid with good amount anyway. I choose to understand why people have to leave. I choose to accept that life is a roller coaster and I gotta enjoy the ride.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! :)

Last Friday for 2012

I am finally freeing myself of all the agony and discomfort 2012 has brought me. I will because beyond all, I know I've been showered with so much blessings. And I choose to hold on to all those wonderful things. I am trying to forgive. I am trying to be patient. I know I fail a lot of people but deep down, I know I am trying to be better. At the end of a long and tiring day, we all just want to be reminded that we need to carry on because life's being life and we gotta have to fight a little more.  

My 21st..

 Peaceful time with my family was all I wanted for my 21st. But as the saying goes, life doesn't always turn out the way you want it to be. It may not be what I originally wanted, but it was way beyond better. Thanks to my fab fam and friends who exerted effort in making my 21st special.

This year has been a roller coaster ride. I was on top for some time then suddenly I realized I was at my lowest point. Most of the time I was in the middle of diversity. I have hopes and desires that I choose to keep inside me. I hurt a lot of people. I learned how to forgive and move forward. I learned how to be happy with little things.

I know I got a lot of learning to make. I still have dreams that I need to chase. Love that I am looking forward to share with someone, someday. I still have to aspire bigger things for my family. Patience that I need to showcase for people around me. Happiness to share with friends.

Though I still have a lot of learning to do, I am grateful that I have family and friends who choose to love me even when I'm up, down, or in between.

To be better..

Bothered, confused, frustrated -- this is all me for the last couple of weeks. And I still am today. But the thing is, I'm trying to be better. And I guess that's the thing that matters, that from every pain and disappointments I receive everyday, I still stand and continue to face everyday with the desire of being better inside my heart. Maybe I couldn't be better in a day, or in a week or even in a year but I know I'm making progress day by day. That's all that matters. Because with every single step that I make, I might just be able to look back one day and say "I'm better now".

Dreams

People may be a lot different from one another but at the end of a long and tiring day, we all want the same things, admit it or not, that is to love and be loved back. May it be someone special or love from family. Whatever it is. Sometimes, when it seems like this is quite impossible to happen, atleast not yet, God is making it happen on our dreams. Not to make us feel that it won't ever happen. But he gives us a glimpse of how wonderful it is to experience the magic and spark of being loved. He allows us to foresee the possibilities that life will be showering us in the future.

So I'll hold on. I'll wait. I don't know how much time and patience do I still have to showcase but I will be reserving a very special space for that someone, in God's time. :)

Christmas Plans

I can feel the sweet and cold wind that brushes my face when I go to work. Which reminds me that Christmas is fast approaching. I'm planning to make this Christmas unforgettable and extravagant. Because this time, everything I earn is mine, got no tuition fee and school stuff to pay anymore. Hurrayyy!

Planning to give Mama a Blackberry. My mom's a simple kind of person, she doesn't get the point of why people need to spend so much money on technology. But I want to give her one because I know that even when she complains about these gadgets, I'm sure she'll love it! Next gift, I want to give her a Sony LCD 32 -inch television set. She wants to have it so bad, so this Christmas, I'm giving it to her without any doubt. :)

On the other hand, I don't feel the need to buy Papa the latest gadget as I know that he's always updated. So I want to give him a watch. What you need to understand when it comes to my Dad is that he only wears branded watches. (Yep! So metikuloso!) And this time, I'll try to measure up. I'm thinking of whether I should buy Michael Kors or Kenneth Cole.

I want to give them the best of life and spoil them in anyway possible. Fingers crossed. For 21 years of taking very good care of me, for 21 years of sacrifices and hardships, this will just be the beginning! More to go Mama and Papa! :)

For Now..

Exactly 43 minutes after clocking in for work. Sitting here in my office desk and I got 8 hours more. I'm looking side by side and I see the eyes of co-workmates getting heavy and almost ready to collapse to bed any minute. Got nothing else left to do so others just stare in their PCs and others are stealing quick nap.

Part of me wants to quit and find the dream that has been calling me ever since. But a part of me knows that there is a need for me to stay. I'm not sure how long. But I know I need to stay--just a bit longer.

Sometimes, there are several things that you need to sacrifice. And I guess this is one of those sacrifices that I have to take--for now. I hope several months or years after this sacrifice, I'll be wishing from above that my dream will still be calling my name. And I promise, I'll be vigilant enough for me to hear even just a soft whisper of that dream.

Break..

It's been awhile since I last saw my college friends. Been tied up at work and was pre-occupied with different stuff. There are times wherein I chose to be distant from them just a bit as I have my personal reasons. Reasons that should be kept within myself only so as to avoid hurting others. It's a battle that I've been struggling to fight every now and then. I was running away from my fear and it suddenly showed up right in front of my face. I realized that people are suffering in their own ways. And I got no right to cause them additional pain because I love them. People always say "We always hurt the ones we love." But not this time, I've caused pain too much and that's enough. I realized that I am still lucky, way beyond blessed I should say.

It's good to have a little "break" from stress and life every once in awhile. And it's nice to do it with people you value. With people who know you so well and understand every inch of your mood swings. This is the kind of bond that will tie us back altogether. No matter where life takes each and everyone of us and even if the going gets tough, it's still going to be "US".

Open Arms..

Everyone wishes to be surrounded with an awesome kind of love while growing up. God made me so lucky that he gave me the kind of family that I have right now. Very much wrapped in love and affection. It's the kind of chaos that every individual wants to be part of.

Ideal situation in life is that one day, you'll be married and start to build your own family. I've seen this cycle so many times within our circle. It gave me a bit of pain to see them go away but I am so glad from within as  I know that a new and fulfilling part of their lives are about to unfold.

I realized today that when the going gets tough inside a marriage, it's always best to run to your family and be showered with the kind of love that has never faded through the years. And I guess it'll never be. It's nice to bring back old memories and just "be there" for one another. I'm sitting and staring on how tears are rolling down from my cousin's eyes. It's the kind of pain that I haven't seen in her. But I am in awe with the kind of love that envelopes the tears in her eyes. It's the unfailing love and support that my family is providing.

We may hate and argue most of the time, but I'll forever be proud of the love that we are capable of giving to each other.

Losing faith..

I decided months ago, that I am temporarily "ok" with the kind of job that I have. BPO to be specific. And I have several reasons why I'm holding on to this. I have responsibilities at home and I cannot just leave that behind because when it comes to my family, I've always been everyone's priority. What I want and I what I need really do matters.

And now that I have "somehow" enough capability of helping them in any way possible, I seriously just can't turn my back on them. Not now because I'm just starting to return the favor for every single thing that my family did for me. I keep saying to myself, "it's my turn now."

My heart is torn in half and I'm being swallowed with jealousy, envy and pain. It's a different feeling to see someone reaching what they want to do while your stuck in the middle of nowhere just "playing safe". As I said, I have several reasons why I'm staying in this kind of job, I know that very well. But I cannot afford to explain to people how I feel.

I now believe that your greatest enemy will be yourself. I've always believed in my capabilities. I know what I can do and I've been truly aware about it. And at this moment, my heart is breaking because I feel like I'm losing faith in myself. I feel like I'm not certain anymore of what I am capable of doing. My heart is breaking because I am doubtful of my own strength. I know deep within that I shouldn't be. But I really just can't help it. I try to distract myself with good things but I can see my dreams vanishing. Others may not fully understand what I feel but if there's one thing that I'm praying now, that is to gain the faith that I once had for myself. :(

Book Review: Every Girl's Guide to Heartache

I got a copy of this book way back when I was in second year college. I bought it for some Language subject requirement. And also for the reason that during those times, I was dealing up with my very own breakup. And I just knew deep inside that this was the perfect book.

After that incident wherein I discussed the book in front of the class, my friends loved it too and they kept borrowing the book and I suddenly just lost track of where it is. Been checking bookstores every now and then but can't find a copy anymore. And just today, when my friend and I was looking for something to buy at Bestsellers, I FOUND the book, again, FINALLY! I didn't think twice, and ofcourse, I bought it right away. The only difference is that I'm not heartbroken anymore. I really just wanted to have a compilation of books that I really love.

This book is all about coping up with heartbreak, letting go, forgiving and giving second chances. This suited me way way back when I was heartbroken. It made me realize that everything takes time. That there's no need to rush in life because someday, everything will just fall into place, exactly as it should be. I learned that there will always be that person who will love you for who you are even if you seem to have much more flaws than positive vibes in your body.

As usual, here are my favorite lines from the book:

“I would have done anything for him. But these days, I don't want to do anything. I don't want to get drunk or go to a wild party or make out with random boys-not that I've ever wanted to. I don't want to watch chick flicks or eat ice cream or get a haircut or buy out half of the mall. I don't want cold, cruel revenge. I don't want to see him suffer when karma catches up with him and kick his ass. I don't even want to talk to him right now, simply because it would be awkward and pathetic and I wouldn't know what to say to him. Yes, there is self-control, preventing me from being stupid and acting like a desperate doofus in the manner most heartbroken people do. But there is also a weary numbness threatening to consume every inch of me: Isn't there a way for me to skip straight to the part where I'm fine again?”  

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“Sometimes, people just stop wanting to be with you, plain and simple. It happens. And it's always best to just leave it at that. It's always best to just let it all go.” 

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"It feels like years and years ago, and yet strangely, at this moment, it still feels like home."

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Not quite sure but the word "someday" has been my favorite word in this book. It pertains to a lot of things. It's like stating that someday, when Jaime and Ana are totally healed, they could probably be friends again. Someday, when pain is gone and once Miguel and Ana are ready, maybe they could actually give it a try into finding love gain. But there really isc just no rush. Beause everything will be falling into place if it's destined to be. <3

Book Review: 50 Shades of Grey

Everyone's been going crazy about 50 Shades of Grey. Others told me that this is an erotic novel and these kind of novels were never my interest. I always go for true love-happily ever after kind of novels. Yah right, a hopeless romantic here indeed. :)

But because I have so many downtime hours at work, and I got nothing else left to do, and I have a PDF files of the trilogy of 50 shades of grey, I gave it a try. I mean, what do I have to lose right? :) And I guess I absolutely made the right decision to read it.

The book is FABULOUS. My friends couldn't even believe I was reading it because they know that I am more of a conservative kind of girl. But I really just can't help it. I didn't really focus much on the sex scenes though it was really detailed and disturbing! It even haunts me in my dreams. And believe it or not, I daydream of Christian Grey!

It has always been my attitude to highlight phrases that I like in a certain book. And here are my favorites form 50 Shades of Grey:

 “Don’t leave me,” he whispers.
“Oh, for crying out loud—no! I am not going to go!” I shout and it’s cathartic. There, I’ve said it. I am not leaving.
“Really?” His eyes widen.
“What can I do to make you understand I will not run? What can I say?”
He gazes at me, revealing his fear and anguish again. He swallows. “There is one thing you can do.”
“What?” I snap.
“Marry me,” he whispers.”

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“You wanted hearts and flowers,” he murmurs.
I blink at him, not quite believing what I’m seeing.
“You have my heart.” And he waves toward the room.
“And here are the flowers,” I whisper, completing his sentence. “Christian, it’s lovely.”

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“No. No!” he says.
“I . . .” He looks wildly around the room. For inspiration? For divine intervention? I don’t know.

“You can’t go. Ana, I love you!”
“I love you, too, Christian, it’s just—”
“No . . . no!” he says in desperation and puts both hands on his head. “Christian . . .”
“No,” he breathes, his eyes wide with panic, and suddenly he drops to his knees in front of me, head bowed, long-fingered hands spread out on his thighs. He takes a deep breath and doesn’t move. What?
“Christian, what are you doing?”
He continues to stare down, not looking at me.
“Christian! What are you doing?”
My voice is high-pitched. He doesn’t move.
“Christian, look at me!” I command in panic. His head sweeps up without hesitation, and he regards me passively with his cool gray gaze—he’s almost serene . . . expectant.
Holy Fuck . . . Christian. The submissive.”

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“You’re the only person I’d fly three thousand miles to see.”

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“I was waiting for you," he says softly, his eyes dark gray and luminous.
"That's... that's such a lovely thing to say."
"It's true. I didn't know it at the time." He smiles his shy smile.
"I'm glad you waited."
"You are worth waiting for, Mrs. Grey.”

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 “Don't run, please-have a little faith in me and a little patience. Please.”

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 “You're my lifeline," he whispers, and he kisses my knuckles before pressing my palm against his.”

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I actually have a lot saved in my documents but that's it for now. I actually love reading it every now and then. It gives me a different kind of happiness and kilig. *blush* Though I know that the characters are just fiction, but I am truly amazed with the kind of imagination that E. L James is possessing.Can't wait for the movie and I'm so excited about it! Can't wait to watch 50 shades in theatre.

I really did love the novel.  I actually consider myself as "greysessed". Well FYI, it's a word used to describe those who are addict on 50 Shades of Grey. :) I guess this is going to be my favorite of all time!

Claudine Barretto and Raymart Santiago against Mon Tulfo..

I just finished watching the very controversial video of the Santiagos against Mon Tulfo. I may not know the whole story but the actual footage clearly shows no respect for an individual. No respect for press freedom. No respect for media.

The actions of Claudine and Raymart was very unethical. I think Claudine Barretto forgot to eat some manners for breakfast. She was crying because she got kicked on the leg and was pushed. But Mon Tulfo looked so awful in the video. Stupid guards were holding him so he didn't get the chance to fight back while Claudine Barretto, Raymart Santiago and many other colleagues were beating him on the face and all over his body. Punches were just throwing anywhere. 

Claudine even stated that she felt bad because her kids were there and they saw what happened. Come onnn! As parents, I guess it is there responsibility to protect their children in seeing violent actions but they didn't think of this during the time that they were actually beating Mon Tulfo. Well in fact, their children were being able to witnessed their mom and dad's unethical actions!

Being a celebrity does not give any kind of rights to physically hurt anybody. Good Job Claudine Barretto, you just showed that you're indeed a GREAT ACTRESS.

To Sir Mon Tulfo, nevermind the bruises. It will soon heal. You earned many people's respect, including mine. And I seriously can't wait for Erwin Tulfo's reaction on this. 

Pangarap na Pilit Aabutin..

Meron akong daan-daang dahilan kung bakit ko kinuha ang kursong Mass Communication. Una, pangarap kong maging Brodkaster. Pangalawa, alam kong dito ako magaling. Kung sa pagsayaw at pagkanta, wala akong talent, sa larangan ng pamamahayag, alam kong may ibubuga ko. Kaya nga ako nagpakahirap na pagsabayin ang pag-aaral at trabaho. Kasi gusto kong matapos ang kursong pinangarap ko. 

Ngayong graduate na ko, naiinis ako sa lipunang ginagalawan ko. Gusto ko man sila murahin isa-isa, idadaan ko na lang sa pagsulat. Maraming nagsasabi, "Sayang ang pinag-aralan kung sa call center ka lang babagsak." Para bang ang laking kasalanan kapag nag-call center ako. Kung ako ang masusunod, siyempre gusto kong makakuha ng trabaho sa larangang pinag-aralan ko. Ang problema kasi, hindi sumasang-ayon sa akin ang ihip ng panahon. At sigurado akong hindi lang sa akin.

Paulit-ulit kong naririnig, "Wag kang mag-stay sa trabaho na di ka masaya." Ang sagot ko naman diyan, tiis tiis lang. Hindi naman porket sa call center ako ngayon, dito na ko habang buhay. Sa hirap ng buhay ngayon, HINDI MASAMA ANG MAGING PRAKTIKAL. 

Marami akong PANGARAP sa buhay. At hindi ako titigil hangga't di ko naaabot lahat ng iyon. Kanya kanyang diskarte lang yan. Kung milyonarya lang ako, agad-agad akong mag-aapply sa Media. Kahit gaano pa kaliit ang sweldo walang problema sa'kin. Kaso may mga responsibilidad akong dapat gampanan. Ayokong dumating sa punto na manghihingi ako ng baon sa magulang ko dahil nakapos ako sa sweldo.

Ang pananatili ko sa call center ay hindi hangganan ng mga pangarap ko. Malay natin, sa susunod na araw, o sa susunod na buwan, o sa susunod na taon, nasa Media na rin ako. At sinisiguro kong hindi ako titigil hangga't di ko nararating lahat ng gusto kong maabot sa buhay.

Gaya ng palagi kong sinasabi, "Passion can wait but a living for my family can't."

Sa mga taong sumusuporta pa rin sa'kin, MARAMING SALAMAT.

Sa mga taong nawalan na ng tiwala sa kakayahan ko, ipapakain ko sa inyo lahat ng mga sinasabi niyong hanggang dito na lang ako. Panoorin niyo ang magiging pag-asenso ko sa buhay.